Trip

Yesterday evening I went for a quick trip to the cinema and had a much longer trip back, due to the fact that my friend and I boarded the wrong bus. This resulted in a tour round the local community as we went round the houses (literally). However, on the positive side, I now know where their local library and social club are if I'm ever stuck for something to do. As for Brighton railway station (which is at the other side of town) I was able to confirm it was still there and operational at 9.15pm.

It's Been a While

Just when you thought you could view this blog safe in the knowledge that I would have posted sod all - I'm back.

Well the past few months have been interesting (just not interesting enough to write about) with a few challenging (aka rubbish) times thrown in for good measure. But I finally have foregone the vow of silence and actually have something to say. Don't worry, it's well worth the wait. Yes it is.

Yesterday morning I was putting my make-up on with one eye on the tele (which makes application a bit tricky) and realised a couple of things:

1) I am the only person alive who would hate to swim with dolphins.
2) I am, possibly, the only female alive who thinks Justin Timberlake is a bit geeky.

It was quite a revelation to me.

Successes of My Time

Managing to prise my 3 year old nephew's vice like grip off my birthday present, in the handing over ceremony, without breaking fingers (it's not as easy as you think).

Although he was disappointed that his mum had opted for a book rather than the yellow truck he'd insisted I'd love (of course he knows me well - we're family). But on the bright side, said book was about fashion disasters which should never have been worn (unless you'd inadvertently collided with a blunt instrument) and it seemed to constitute only 50% of my current wardrobe. Hurrah.

Homework

It’s hard to believe, but I was never one for homework (mainly due to the fact I’d rather write out Duran Duran lyrics in their entirety) and the word ‘project’ can still cause minor convulsions. But it’s obviously a decision I’ve never regretted and hasn’t stopped me living the life of Riley (Old Mother).

However, it was heartening to see that the children in Brighton’s schools are taking their school work far more seriously. As reported yesterday, you can’t start talking about the 2nd World War without a student bringing a hand grenade in to ‘show and tell’. Unfortunately I think the teacher was hoping for more in the way of ration books and the school had to be closed for the day whilst emergency services were drafted in. But I’m sure it was very authentic and some people will do anything for a day off.

Things I Shouldn't Admit

• I live with my Mum through choice.
• I don’t own a property but I pay the rent and bills.
• I’ve never lived in a bedsit or shared a house and I don’t want to.
• I don’t drive (despite thousands of lessons and 5 tests in an automatic).
• I don’t want to drive unless it’s a necessity.
• I have an appalling sense of direction.
• I drink when I’m stressed, and worry about it.
• I’ve never been on a second date even though I’ve had numerous first ones.
• Due to above scenario I still have an attachment to 1471.
• I don’t have children.
• I love my nephews.
• I wanted to be a nanny.
• I lost my virginity at 34.
• I never thought I’d get married.
• My Mum is obsessively tidy but doesn’t cook.
• I don’t have savings, and worry about retirement.
• I hate people swearing in general conversation but not because I find it offensive.
• I have an ungraded CSE in Home Economics and gave up 'O' Level history to achieve it.
• I produced a floppy headed bear in sewing class but have no qualification to back it up (ungraded would have been optimistic).
• My nephew loves floppy headed bear.
• I actually like cooking but hate sewing.
• I still love music from the 80’s.
• I’m in love and I thought that would never happen.
• I first met my dad when I was 32.
• I can’t bear children calling their parents by first name even though I do it myself due to the above.
• Okay I’ll stop here.

A Camera

I would like to say...

Happy 2 year anniversary to Phil.

And happy 20 year anniversary to Roddy Frame who, it has to be said, has been a less frequent visitor in my life (last sighted at The Dome in 1986 when I was sporting a rather fetching ra-ra skirt and hair that had been encouraged in a vertical direction by the means of half a tub of Studio Line gel and a lot of patience. He had no chance of running his fingers through that.)

But the search is over and I have seen Mr Frame in Southampton as part of our anniversary celebrations (that’s mine and Phil’s, not mine and Roddy’s. I don’t think he knew I was coming). Not only at the venue itself but on a balcony above said venue and in the company of his new girlfriend. You could tell she was new by the way she laughed – enthusiastically – without having to resort to the forced "haven’t I heard this one before" exhalation of breath that can just about pass for a laugh, rather than a sigh, if you can be bothered to put the effort in.

But I can confidently say it’ll be the best concert I’ll see this year. And that’s even with Tom Jones looming on the horizon (I really shouldn’t admit to that) and not many surprises make me leap a couple of feet in the air – well unless it’s a particularly nasty looking spider. So thanks, Phil, anyone would think you know me very well.

Diet

Yes it starts today which is why my banana is forming a close relationship with the bin and I'm opting for a bacon and brie sandwich. Success is going to be on those cards, mark my words.

Sleeping

Happy New Year!

Oh not quite, blimey this year is dragging. Where was I?

Residential courses that's where. And the one and only (don't worry Chesney Hawkes isn't going to put in an appearance) thing that can improve them, in my opinion, is not having to stay there. So after a stalking experiment which involved getting a print out of all attendees and looking up their home addresses, I managed to send desperate e-mails to two who were willing to oblige (aka feel sorry for me) - whay hey. Okay, I still hated most of it and building a tent blindfolded whilst being guided by an overly tall male, isn't necessarily my idea of a good time (not without copious quantities of wine being thrown in). And even to the woman walking her dog, who stopped to ask if everything was okay, it was dodgy. If only she'd seen us searching for a knife in the forest, that would have put her mind her rest.

So, all in all, it was pretty dreadful. But I had been worrying about the residential bit for six months. Blind panic set in as soon as I read the words "staying is not essential but, for the sake of the team dynamic, it is recommended". Only the words "escaped serial killer on the premises" would have me heading for the door sooner. However when you realise the location is only accessible by car unless you have a close relationship with a horse (and not in a Channel 4 Shockumentary type of way) you realise you're buggered. Although a colleague, who thought it was equally dreadful, decided I should take up driving lessons again and insist on that route. And to be fair, I did consider calling the local taxi company - I could do debt.

Why did it worry me so much? Well I love watching Big Brother but I can't imagine why people would put themselves through it. I know I'd hate most people after about 10 minutes and would be banging on the diary room door, with my list of evictions, shouting "why can we only nominate two?". The downside of a work course is that no one leaves. Well unless they're getting out of the Ashdown Forest day because they've got "appointments they can't cancel" and they REALLY wanted to come as they think it's going to be the best day (yeah, right). They should have reminded me of that one when my jeans were caked in mud to the knee and my boots were seeping the blister blood (Primark socks aren't that hardwearing).

However, after week one, when I sat next to an officious maypole dancer who was a bitch on wheels and was equally desperate to get away from me, it improved slightly. On week two I sitting next to a bloke from Hailsham who was far more on my wavelength. And when we were shoved into a room on too many (they like to get your stomach churning) occasions to produce a flip chart/presentation to be proud of, we both managed to chat on about incidental rubbish and then panic with the words "we've only got a minute left, what are we going to say? Make it big writing".

And let's not forget:

I also learnt after two days of diversity training...

When inviting a wheelchair speaker to.....well speak, make sure the wheelchair access buzzer doesn't take three steps to reach. Doh.

Monthly Update

I have spent the past month or so:

1. Visiting Texas and becoming addicted to hot tubs.



2. Visiting Mexico and wishing I hadn't.



3. Getting far nearer hideous reptiles than is good for my mental wellbeing - although it's nothing that a bit of vigorous shoulder shaking won't sort out.



4. Investing in a new shower and learning to live without light as a result of poor installation.



5. Coming to terms with the fact that my grandfather was crushed to death by a wardrobe a month before his 90th birthday. Honestly, just when you think you're doing quite well.



6. Meeting Crash and Donna and deciding not to leg it from a restaurant without paying even though it was tempting.



7. Meeting Jim Kitson and feeling slightly peculiar.



8. Dreading the residential course I have to attend next week. The words 'work' and 'residential' are not happy bed companions in my book. Even if you do have to sleep there.

Happy New Year

I thought I'd better say that before we hit February.

Tip of the Day - for a harmonious working environment.

If you're going to send an e-mail to someone calling another colleague a "bitter, twisted, witch", try not to send it to the person with witch-like qualities if you can possibly help it.

And if you've ever wondered what it's like to have a forgotten-about blackened banana burst in the bottom of your bag - the answer is messy.

Christmas

It's Christmas (imagine a Noddy Holder type voice in your head), well nearly. And to mark the occasion there's every chance I could leave work half an hour early. It's possible. This week I've been covering someone else's job, albeit not very well, it's more like a bit of frantic duvet straightening. But I have been working from another office and you can tell I'm next door to Finance as the woman who works there keeps following me around and turning lights off. You can't leave the room for 5 minutes without having to find your way back with a torch.

This is all very admirable but it did get taken a bit far a while ago when someone turned off the electricity which was powering someone's electric wheelchair. Whoops.

Anyway, I've bought all the presents, wrapped them badly in whatever paper I can lay my hands on ('Happy Birthday', 'Happy Anniversary', 'Now you're 40' - I've got all occasions covered), cried in shops and have eaten more cocktail sausages than I thought humanly possible. So I'm now feeling very festive and looking forward to the inevitable family row when someone starts breathing too loudly.

Happy Christmas.

Hungry

I was so shocked after my last run-in with the scales (I blame my close friendship with Mr McDonald and Mr King) that I've been on a STRICT diet ever since. Okay it's only been two days and I'm now trading my banana for a couple of chocolates, but I've lost three whole pounds. It's enough to make me anorexic.